Friday, November 03, 2006

How to write a campaign ad

Hello Everyone -
With the election coming up next week, I've been doing a very careful study on how to create a negative campaign ad. Of course, I'm not running for anything, but when I do - hot damn, I'll be ready! So anyway, here is a step by step guide. . .

Step 1. Find a picture of your opponent. Don't be nice, see what's out there. The more disheveled your opponent looks, the better. Messy hair is a must, and the opponent needs to have his/her mouth open just a little bit. As an example, let's use Jesus. . . I think this anthropological reconstruction of JC fit's the bill.

Step 2. You have to find one or two slanderous words to cast your opponent in a negative light. I think in Jesus' case we'll use the word "liberal." Sure, he holds conservative values like you do, but he did make habit of hanging out with prostitutes and tax collectors, and he tended to be quite the pacifist. He shall now be known as "Liberal Jesus Christ". This separates YOU from HIM, while Liberal Jesus Christ is doing latte with the hookers, you're out there trying to keep immigrants from entering through our borders with a big fence.

Step 3. Hypothesize. Liberal Jesus Christ has never held office, so how do you know the results will be all that bad? You don't! You must make them up! What will happen? Be creative! Liberal Jesus Christ has a record of :

  • Hanging out with prostitutes
    • Will he legalize prostitution?
  • Hanging out with tax collectors
    • Will he give favors to tax collectors?
  • Raising people from the dead
    • That's just not natural - it hasn't been tested. Will there be side effects?
  • Preaching about love of neighbor
    • Will he open our borders, and make our country into a big globalized lovefest?
  • Preaching in general
    • Will he get work done in Washington, or will he be to busy praying and preaching?
Obviously the list goes on and on, but we only need 3 or 4 hypothesis to throw the mud.

Step 4. Fear. I think in the case of a Minnesota, the key is to emphasize small town values. Remind the people that they're not liberal nut jobs, but Liberal Jesus Christ is!

OK, so now onto structure. One of the key things is to use your name as little as possible. You want to give a negative image of your opponent, but you don't want to be directly connected to the ad. It takes away a great deal of responsibility. Anyway here's the format:

Catcher: Are you going to vote for Liberal Jesus Christ this November?

Fear: Do liberal Jesus Christ's views reflect your small town values?

If Liberal Jesus is elected, he will go to Congress, where he and his Liberal friends will pass liberal laws:
  • Legalized prostitution
  • Law that favors the wealthy taxcollectors.
  • Legalized "revival" techniques
  • Open Borders
Catcher: We need a real politician in the Capitol building, not hippie, Liberal Jesus Christ.
Liberal Jesus Christ, too extreme for central Minnesota.

Vote for John Mark on November 7.